| Reminder: |
| Get there early if there's a run on the banks. |
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| Business News: |
| Ford Motors announced it will lay off an additional 2,500 people. Ford officials said the majority of the layoffs will be achieved by closing the company's "Recall Department." |
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| National News: |
| President Bush sent Vice President Cheney to the Middle East to rein in oil prices. That is kind of like sending Paris Hilton to promote celibacy. |
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| Post Office News: |
| A veteran mail carrier was charged with hoarding 16,000 pieces of mail since the year 2000. If the Post Office can get those puppies delivered in the next three weeks, who'll notice? |
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| Florida News: |
| Residents in Bartow, Florida are demanding state help in eradicating the burgeoning vulture population. Here is an idea: one way would be for the state to stop attracting so many elderly retirees. |
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| New York News: |
| Former Governor Spitzer resigned in disgrace after it was learned he spent $80k on hookers. His career is far from over. He is now leading all the polls to be the next president of France. |
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| New York News: |
| Now that David Paterson is governor, changes are on the way. One of the most noticeable is that the Emperor's Club is now using very large type on its website. |
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| New York News: |
| David Paterson, the man who replaced Eliot Spitzer as the Governor of New York, is legally blind... which at least means he doesn't need to use the most expensive hookers. |
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| Clinton Update: |
| New York Governor Eliot Spitzer was set to introduce Hillary at the Democratic Convention... We are thinking she couldn't have picked a more embarrassing super-delegate if she had married him. |
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| New York News: |
| Former governor Ed Koch said Governor Spitzer appeared to be working under a lot of strain lately and urged him to seek professional help. He probably should have been more specific about which profession. |
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| Random Thought: |
| The whole world is backwards. You've got Democrats, who are supposed to be poor, paying $5,000 an hour for sex, and you've got Republicans, who are supposed to be rich, cruising airport bathrooms trying to get it for free. |
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| Political News: |
| Hillary Clinton said she and Barack Obama might share the Democratic ticket with her No. 1. She feels Barack Obama deserves some sort of prize for getting the most votes and being the most popular. |
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| Spitzer Thought: |
| Do you ever notice politics is the only profession when a guy gets caught with a hooker, the wife has to stand by his side. If this guy was a plumber, he'd have his wife's SUV tire tracks over his head. |
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| Reminder: |
| When dealing with full-service escort companies, do not enroll in the customer loyalty program. |
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| Political News: |
| There is talk in Democratic circles of letting the states of Michigan and Florida re-vote. Today, Al Gore said, "Oh, now you think of this! Great." |
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| Huckabee Update: |
| Mike Huckabee dropped out of the presidential race and said he is joining forces with John McCain. Oh, great, you've got one guy who doesn't believe in evolution, and another guy who remembers it. |
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| New York News: |
| Governor Eliot Spitzer resigned after admitting he was a frequent customer of a prostitution ring. Spitzer says he will make another public statement only after he "regains the trust of his wife" ...so when he does speak, it will be with a much higher-pitched voice. |
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| Sports News: |
| Woman hockey player Josianne Bisaillon was suspended after she punched a female linesman in the face. Great! This totally screws up our Atlantic University Sports women's hockey fantasy league team. |
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| Clintion Update: |
| Hillary Clinton is continuing to tout her national security credentials. She says she's an expert on domestic threats... she ought to be, she's been married to her biggest domestic threat for 32 years. |
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| Energy News: |
| An oil company was denied the right to drill for oil in central California because it is the habitat for kangaroo rats. You can bet that when gas reaches $5 a gallon, kangaroo rats will become a fuel additive. |
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| Gas Update: |
| We don't want to say that gas prices are high, but here in Clearwater, FL if you call 911 they ask you to meet the ambulance half way. |
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| Homeland Security: |
| Officials told Congress a 28-mile long virtual fence along the U.S./Mexican border will be delayed three years because they can't get the video surveillance to work. Isn't that amazing? Do you realize Homeland Security has less video surveillance capabilities than the New England Patriots? |
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| G.A.O. News: |
| G.A.O. investigators traveled to the Cayman Islands last month to track offshore tax evaders. Said one G.A.O. official, "We will get to the bottom of this if we have to drink a thousand banana daiquiris". |
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| National News: |
| President George W. Bush commented on Hillary Clinton's controversial "red phone" campaign ads, telling reporters, "When that red phone rings, I just let it go straight to voicemail." |
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| Election Thought: |
| Everyone is so concerned where all the presidential candidates are born. McCain was born in the Panama. Hillary was born outside Chicago. And if you believe the media, Obama was born in a manger. |
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| Celebrity News: |
| Los Angeles Police are looking into allegations that someone may have drugged Britney Spears. So far the prime suspect is Britney Spears. |
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| Business News: |
| The Head of Nissan says the U.S. auto industry is in a recession. Ya think? That's like saying Hiroshima had a radiation spike. |
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| Cuba News: |
| Fidel Castro stepped down as president of Cuba after nearly 50 years in office. So "humbug" to all you skeptics out there. The embargo worked! |
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| McCain Update: |
| Reports claim John McCain, who is 71 years old, had an inappropriate relationship with a woman lobbyist who is 33 years old. The good news is there's no footage. |
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| Obama Update: |
| Barack Obama has had a dramatic effect on baby names. A review of birth records from recent months shows a sharp increase in the number of babies named "Change". |
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